Living Through a Dark Night

I know some of you immediately aren't sure what to think of the title to this blog entry. Don't be alarmed. I assure you that nothing is wrong at all.

So for my Spiritual Formation class we have been reading a book called "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster. I strongly recommend it. Really makes you think about the different spiritual disciplines and what they really mean. One of the recent chapters we've looked at is about the Discipline of Solitude which deals with the time that we intentionally spend alone with God and really focus into what he wants to reveal to us. In the chapter, Foster has a heading "The Dark Night of the Soul." (this is where the explanation of my blog title come in) At first I was like "huh?', and not sure what to think, and as I read it, I realized Foster was essentially describing me. The dark night of the soul is that "dry" period in our walk with God, where we may feel letdown, or discouraged in our faith, where we have no desire to pursue our prayer life, our time alone with God. We find that we just can't get close to God no matter how much we try. We don't seem to get anything out of the worship times, or sermons that we hear, and their just doesn't seem to be any motivation and you feel so lost.

Essentially for about the past year, I have felt like this. And let me tell you, it is very frustrating. I desire to be close to God, and yet a lot of the time nothing happens. Reading this chapter of Foster's book, especially the section in which I have just described, has been really encouraging. I had found that I wanted to know why I was feeling so discouraged, and why I couldn't seem to feel God at all. But what I learned in this chapter, is to not focus on that. We don't need to be discouraged by this "dark night". As Foster says,

"The dark night is one of the ways God brings us into a hush, a stillness so that he may work an inner transformation upon the soul." God will use this time to strengthen us.

So fast forward to several days ago, when let's just say, it wasn't turning out to be the greatest of days. I found out that I hadn't done nearly as well as I though I had done on one of my midterms (I had felt really good about it until i saw my mark). and on top of that, some assignments that were supposed to have been done back in February for a class, all got moved to next monday. (there were issues beyond my own control, in that we did not get access to the initial section until two days ago) So I found out that I have on top of the two readings orriginally due for next week, I also have to do a online assessment, read the very long report, write a collateral on that report, then do one of the "soul projects", and write a 3-4 pg reflection paper on that. Also due in another class is a paper, and also a paper for the next day. Upon hearing this, I panicked, thinking" I have to all of this by next week, amongst all the other things I have this week. I was also very tired at the time (for some reason while on break I came back feeling more exhausted). So all of this was very overwhelming to me to the point where at supper I was trying to hold back tears, which I find creates more tension in my body. I had a hard time eating, and almost didn't finish my food.

That evening I knew that I could not focus on school work, and needed to get away from campus for a bit, so grabbed my bible and journal and went to Tims, got myself a tea (no I didn't win anything :(. I opened up my bible to Psalm 42, where the descendants of Korah are crying out to God in their discouragement. They were so discouraged at where they were at, as they remembered the times when the felt so full of God, and were in celebration. They were experiencing "the dark night of the soul." What I love about this Psalm is that even in their discouragement, Korah's descendants still held onto hope, They still trusted in God, and continued to praise Him, praying that he would give them life. After reading this I opened up my journal and started writing. (Not something that is normal for me to do) I felt like I should share this with you:

God, You have done so much for me.

It seems so long ago since I have last felt You here.

My heart is heavy and discouraged.

I want to see You, I want to feel You here.

My heart cries out in anguish, and depravity.

I wait here in the desert, waiting...waiting...waiting for Your glory to fall down.

Even though I feel lost and so alone, I trust that You are here, here in the silence.

May my heart be silent, the hardened walls be crumbled down so Your love and mercy can flow.

I will praise you in this dark night.

I really felt that I should share this. I could have gone to bed an hour ago, but I knew that since the desire to blog is rare for me, I felt that it was worth losing some sleep. I hope that you are encouraged by this.

Hello From Wet Florida

Yes you read the title right. Here in Florida it is very wet, it is probably down pouring outside as I type this. It has been raining on and off since I arrived on Saturday, with the sun attempting to come out for a few minutes before being over taken by the dark clouds. [the sun just broke through again]

So this whole trip started on Friday morning bright and early at 3am (atlantic time, 2am EST) waking up to head to the airport with my Dad. My flight left at 5:30, and part way during the flight I started to worry......I could not find my iPod. It had been in my pocket before but it wasn't there. I checked my bag but it was not there.....I would plan to check my other carry on that had been side checked (small plane, big bookbag, so i put it underneath). I was getting worried and thought that I would need to make a trip to Walmart once in Buffalo as I could not find it. As I was getting out of my seat to leave the plane i notice the Tim Hortons tea bag wrapper (which had been in the same pocket as the ipod) stuck between two seats, and sure enough there was my ipod that hadn't fallen through thankfully. Mind you if I had not looked down at the seat as i left, I would have actually lost it and had to get a new one. Once I got my bags I met my brother and he drove me to the Bus Station in downtown toronto.....my first time in T.O. So it was pretty cool.

The bus ride to Niagara went well......the bus had free wifi that worked!!!!!!!! (thanks Greyhound for the bus makeovers you done so far) so that made the trip better. Once in Niagara, I met up with my roommate from BBC, Meredith, and her sister and we went to see the falls and then headed back to their house in Buffalo, NY. I will say that I love the McLaughlin family, Thank you so much for having me at your house, I'll have to come back and visiting longer.

So the next morning I headed to the airport with Meredith and her mom, checked in and headed to my plane to fly to Atlanta. So this was when I first noticed that my foot was bothering me when walking. When I would go to step off my left foot, the back of my ankle would be in pain..(it is now Tuesday, still hurting, and i still don't fully know what happened.) My first flight was good, my flight attendant was really peppy, you could tell she really enjoys her job. Once in Atlanta, I had to change terminals (which included a subway ride), and waited about an hour for my connecting flight. That next flight to Miami was good......I slept for over half of it...infact I was gone before the plane even took off. This has never happened before. I even missed when the flight attendant was serving drinks. I landed in Miami and when wlaking through the terminal, my foot was really bothering me. But I was happy because I had found starbucks. What was even better was that when I came out of security I saw Bethany Giglio, I had not seen her in 3 years so that was pretty exciting.

We arrived at the hotel and I had to wait for my room for a couple hours. Eventually I did get one (one of the last three) and then some Leaders and LIT's all went to Gators for supper...it was yummy. I then went the the grocery store and bought a ankle brace for my foot...not really that it ended up helping at all. At 7:30 we started Leaders training and I got a chance to ice my foot.

The next morning we got up for breakfast and we had a time of worship in the hotel, and then continued on with leaders training. After lunch, we had the after to chill before the students arrived the next day. So a bunch us decided to head to the beach, which was nearby.....I got to go swimming in Florida....but shortly after it started to rain, and i wanted to make sure my camera stayed dry. (a BIG thank you to the kind people who let us put our things under their canopy until the rain stopped.) After it stopped raining we wnet back in the water for a while and then it rained again but this time with thunder....so we got out again and decided to come back as it was downpouring, but by the time we got back to the hotel it stopped so we went to the pool. It was a nice time to just chill. We continued our last round of training and got some rest.

Yesterday, the kids began to arrive all throughout the day. And last night we had our first FUAGNEM. (Fired Up And Going Nuts Every Minute), Thanks Jaime for the worship time. Following the service we began drama casting for Spellbound.... These teens were really good. I'm looking forward to watch them perform the drama. Afterwards we all headed to bed after a long day.

This morning we had breakfast, ahd some team time, and now the students are beginning their drama training and it is almost lunch time!!!!!!!

Thank to everyone who has been praying for me and this trip......please keep praying for my foot and that I can figure out what is wrong with it, and also pray for safety as we travel on Thursday....I'll check in in a couple days.

Total Abandon

I will go, I will go, I will go, Lord send me
To the world, to the lost, to the poor and hungry. Take everything I am, I'm Clay within your hand I will go, I will go, Send me

I wanna live for you
Go where you lead me
I wanna follow you
-"I Will Go" by Starfield

This past month as second semester started up, I decided that things would be different, that I might have a renewed passion and desire for God. Let's just say I totally set myself up for a major emotional roller coaster. Through regular chapel services, Holiness Advancement Week, my D-group a recurring theme seems to rise and I think that God was trying to tell me something. The aspect of dying to one's self and surrendering to God completely is something I've been constantly hearing, after having it come up some many times I thought, I think God is trying to say something.

Well tonight at BBC we had what is called Abandoned Devotion Gathering, which is a 5ish hour long service consisting of worship prayer for the unreached, and a whole lot of surrendering to God. We call it Abandoned because that was the focus, to abandon our lives to God. This could be said many ways, surrendering our lives, giving up our lives, or even.....dying to ourselves, our hopes and dreams, and fears, and completely giving God every aspect of our lives. Tonight, I did that. I was sitting there as the Starfield song was being played and I knew God was calling me to commit my life to his service in missions, but I was scared, and for awhile I held back, I kept thinking about if I really wanted or could actually do this for the rest of my life. I was essentially doubting God. But as the song continued to play, images of the people I met while in Peru, the kids and thir faces, they began to flood my mind. It was like God was saying, "See the joy YOU brought to these people and the joy YOU were filled with? YOU can do this." I began to cry out to God. Tonight I died to myself, to my hopes and my dreams, I abandoned myself to God. The thought having absolutely no control of my future scares the crap out of me, but that is the beauty of God, we can trust in that he has control. Bumps may arise, some small, some large, but God gives us the strength to overcome, as long as we trust in him.

Well spiritual stuff aside, (not that I have stopped thinking about it). Life has been pretty good. I am no longer a teenager, and I actually forget a lot that my birthday was a month ago. Nothing really changed.
Life is crazy busy which school. Next week is Mid-term week and I have 3 to do plus a test type thing in a class, so my weekend is pretty much going to be consumed with studying and project working. Two more weeks of work work work and then I get a break for Marh Break. That is pretty much the shinning light amidst all of this school stuff.

Be praying for my missions trip to Guatemala, funds still need to be raised as I have two remaining payments, also please pray that I might find a Job. I could really really use one, and it seems like I can't get anything around here. Sussex is nothing like SJ when it comes to looking for a part time job. SJ just has way more opportunity, but I guess that is due to the fact that it is so much bigger. There are still a few more places I can try, so here's hoping!!!!

Well I guess that is all for now. Good night.

2009, The year of NEW.

So It's the new year. Many things are new. A NEW semester of College with all NEW courses, (which officially starts tomorrow), many NEW faces of returning interns I have yet to meet, Brio Missions going to a NEW country... Guatemala, and I turn 20 in about 12 days....so I guess that means a whole NEW decade.

The thing that I really hope for this year is a reNEWed passion for God, that I would have a never ending desire to find ways to just totally worship God with my life. 2008 was just a constant longing to be close to God, no matter how much I tried, my heart was just never in it. I know it was probably the lack of effort on my part, but I just can't seem to understand why I could not WANT to do it. I guess that would be the work of Satan trying to pull me away and giving me doubt. But no more.

Soveriegn Lord, You know the deepest parts, I thank you for unflailing grace. Oh when I'm far away, You love will never fail. My rock, my fortress reveal you face. Take my life, Take may heart Take the sin that keeps us apart. Come revive us, send your fire You're the only one I seek. Your name is higher Your name is higher Your name is higher Your name is higher -lyrics from "Renew" by Tim Milner

This song just happened to play as I began to write this.....funny how God works. What amazes me is that even when I do a really crappy job at trying to draw closer to him, and pretty much put him on a shelf and not really even let him in, he still is there ready to take me back. Why? Just because he loves me, and he doesn't ever let go of us , no matter often we try to let go of him. I hope that this year I can draw close and actually work at it and not just go with the flow of things, and read the bible for me. I go to a Bible College, and it is pretty easy to feel like you are getting enough of god through chapel, small groups and bible readings for class. But I need to do it for me and not for anyone else. I think I'm going to start by doing to One year bible plan ( i know i've already have days to catch up on), and I think that this is the perfect place to share about my progress and what God is teaching me.

I could go on a lot longer, but I really must get to bed. It's late and I have classes starting at 8am. Have a wonderful year in 2009.

Look at the time....

so yeah like I said before in my very first post, I'm not good with this whole blog thing....i haven't posted since july!!!!...

Well for whoever wants to know, I'm attending Bethany Bible College in Sussex, NB and I love it. I have a super awesome roommate and an awesome apartment, not to mention the other amazing people i've met. God is really teaching me a lot here at BBC. I'll try to remember to tell you about it later. It's 1 am and I've got class @ 8 am so goodnight y'all (for my many fellow students from south of the border....

Miami heat....and rain.......then skip some days

Well it was a nice change today in weather. While the teens learn the drama, i decided to relax this afternoon after the past few days of training and having the teens arrive yesterday. I took a walk down to starbucks and enjoyed the nice sprikle the clouds gave me. It was refreshing. After ordering my drink I sat down and opened up my Bible to Romans. Wow, God sure had a lot of grace to claim us as people of righteousness.



Some of you may have gotten an email the other day since I couldn't get on here. But Now that I am I hope to update quite a bit.



Last night's FUAGNEM (Fired Up And Going Nuts Every Minute) (our evening worship rally) was really powerful, I think God is going to do amazing things in the lives of the teens on this trip. Pray that these students would have a burning desire to follow God and be able to let go of anything that is holding them back.

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sorry, when i orriginally tried to post this it didn´t work. i just discovered that blogspot has auto save

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so we´ve been in peru since the wee hours of friday morning after two long flights and 7 hour layover in mexico city. finally got to bed and asleep at almost 3 am and had to be up for breakfast for 7am........not fun. the first ministry day was good.....expect for the fact that the weather is the oppostie of what it should be...it was very sunny and warm....and those of you that personally know me probably know what resulted from this warm and very sunny day.....a red face. other wise it was a good day.

fuagnem was good too. Susie talked about being spiritually asleep and how many of us have put God on the outside. It was an emotional night for the teens.

well i´m running out of time so i´ll catchup on the days later..

Why we need caffeine

I work at Tim Hortons where i constantly make and serve coffee and tea for those who choose to drink it. ( I'll be the first to say I hate tims coffee, but i like all their teas.) Today while at work, my mind went back to a sermon I heard one Sunday at Brunswick Street Baptist Church in Fredericton, when i was still going to STU. It was about how we as Christians need to be caffeinated as we was with Jesus. You may be thinking "what is she talking about?" While i can't remember any of the scriptures mentioned I'm going to give the Reader's Digest recap of the sermon.
Terry appears with 2 coffee-type drinks: a coffee cup from tim hortons and one from starbucks. HE begins to talk about a book that I actually want to buy now, "The Gospel According To Starbucks." I was a bit confused as how this related to a church sermon. But Terry went on to give examples of two types of Christians, Caffeinated Christians, and Decaf Christians. Decaf christians are those who want to relax in their walk with God, taking it slow, and sleep through the night. (Yes this is what he said, It makes more sense when compared to the Caffienated christian) A caffienated christian is a person who is on fire for christ and wants to be awake so they don't miss any of God's goodness, and is ready for God to transform their life. And as Christians, we must be caffeinated if we want to live in God's Purpose.
So bringing you back to the present moment. This came to mind as I am in the very center of the caffeine crazed world. I kept thinking, Am I really really craving the caffeine in my own life as I live for Jesus, or am I sitting back and taking the decaf route of life?