I know some of you immediately aren't sure what to think of the title to this blog entry. Don't be alarmed. I assure you that nothing is wrong at all.
So for my Spiritual Formation class we have been reading a book called "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster. I strongly recommend it. Really makes you think about the different spiritual disciplines and what they really mean. One of the recent chapters we've looked at is about the Discipline of Solitude which deals with the time that we intentionally spend alone with God and really focus into what he wants to reveal to us. In the chapter, Foster has a heading "The Dark Night of the Soul." (this is where the explanation of my blog title come in) At first I was like "huh?', and not sure what to think, and as I read it, I realized Foster was essentially describing me. The dark night of the soul is that "dry" period in our walk with God, where we may feel letdown, or discouraged in our faith, where we have no desire to pursue our prayer life, our time alone with God. We find that we just can't get close to God no matter how much we try. We don't seem to get anything out of the worship times, or sermons that we hear, and their just doesn't seem to be any motivation and you feel so lost.
Essentially for about the past year, I have felt like this. And let me tell you, it is very frustrating. I desire to be close to God, and yet a lot of the time nothing happens. Reading this chapter of Foster's book, especially the section in which I have just described, has been really encouraging. I had found that I wanted to know why I was feeling so discouraged, and why I couldn't seem to feel God at all. But what I learned in this chapter, is to not focus on that. We don't need to be discouraged by this "dark night". As Foster says,
"The dark night is one of the ways God brings us into a hush, a stillness so that he may work an inner transformation upon the soul." God will use this time to strengthen us.
So fast forward to several days ago, when let's just say, it wasn't turning out to be the greatest of days. I found out that I hadn't done nearly as well as I though I had done on one of my midterms (I had felt really good about it until i saw my mark). and on top of that, some assignments that were supposed to have been done back in February for a class, all got moved to next monday. (there were issues beyond my own control, in that we did not get access to the initial section until two days ago) So I found out that I have on top of the two readings orriginally due for next week, I also have to do a online assessment, read the very long report, write a collateral on that report, then do one of the "soul projects", and write a 3-4 pg reflection paper on that. Also due in another class is a paper, and also a paper for the next day. Upon hearing this, I panicked, thinking" I have to all of this by next week, amongst all the other things I have this week. I was also very tired at the time (for some reason while on break I came back feeling more exhausted). So all of this was very overwhelming to me to the point where at supper I was trying to hold back tears, which I find creates more tension in my body. I had a hard time eating, and almost didn't finish my food.
That evening I knew that I could not focus on school work, and needed to get away from campus for a bit, so grabbed my bible and journal and went to Tims, got myself a tea (no I didn't win anything :(. I opened up my bible to Psalm 42, where the descendants of Korah are crying out to God in their discouragement. They were so discouraged at where they were at, as they remembered the times when the felt so full of God, and were in celebration. They were experiencing "the dark night of the soul." What I love about this Psalm is that even in their discouragement, Korah's descendants still held onto hope, They still trusted in God, and continued to praise Him, praying that he would give them life. After reading this I opened up my journal and started writing. (Not something that is normal for me to do) I felt like I should share this with you:
God, You have done so much for me.
It seems so long ago since I have last felt You here.
My heart is heavy and discouraged.
I want to see You, I want to feel You here.
My heart cries out in anguish, and depravity.
I wait here in the desert, waiting...waiting...waiting for Your glory to fall down.
Even though I feel lost and so alone, I trust that You are here, here in the silence.
May my heart be silent, the hardened walls be crumbled down so Your love and mercy can flow.
I will praise you in this dark night.
I really felt that I should share this. I could have gone to bed an hour ago, but I knew that since the desire to blog is rare for me, I felt that it was worth losing some sleep. I hope that you are encouraged by this.
